Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.

Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming

The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS

KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

Fun like a LinkedIn notification

Breaking news:

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!

Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.

Is it because I’m brown??

😍😂🥰😂😍

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass

I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear

Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.

Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*

My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????

I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.

Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried

I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend

I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.