Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.

ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.

RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air

ME: HOLY SHIT

me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*

her: nope just crazy

me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons

My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

[house hunting]

ME: I can see us settling down here

REALTOR: oh you have a family?

ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet

I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.

I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.

Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird

English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions

What I said: I do.

What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.

When you’re Kinky but poor

born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time

My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.

science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok

My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”

if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”