Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
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me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
