Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
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Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
best review i’ve ever seen
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Eat…
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.