Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
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Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team