Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

This might be the funniest tweet ever

Boss: Are you going to do any work today?

Me: Has it been optional this whole time?

My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved

One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.

[after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son

The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.

There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.

My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.

I almost dropped my Walkman.

Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.

friend: where have you been all day

me: hunting shapeshifters

friend: maybe it’s time to turn in

me: [narrows eyes] turn into what

Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…

Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*

-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

Me: What should I wear on my date

Friend: An expensive dress shirt

*Later*

Me: Hi

Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

I am a gravy boat captain

[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific

Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.