Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful

Me: They are going to pay for saying that

I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…

It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.

me: the best things in life are free!

lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.

Mom: Take out the trash

*I take the trash on a lovely date*

Mom: Not what I meant

*I assassinate the trash in an ally*

Mom: Still wrong

Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.

I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

Alexa; make it look like an accident

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again

I put the mess in domestic.

New word: Biscgret.

Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank

Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.