Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

People who are bad at hiding, I see you

When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”

Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend

*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.

[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?

me to my student: go get your mom

my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!

“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??

I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm

me: just bear with me

bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

[autopsy]

Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever

If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.

Me: want some advice?

New dad: please!

Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.

New dad: okay.

Me: step 2 drink it all.

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me

“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?

Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys