anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
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hmmm
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.