Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*

Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.

*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough

I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…

independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*

my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off

Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral

Here’s a meme

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.

12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.

His protest was legendary.

Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.