Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
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DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
craving $300 all of a sudden
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk