Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
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if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Anyone want a chair?
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher