Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

i actually laughed 😩

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.

As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?

Cartman: Respect my
a a

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.

Damn chess infection 😕

Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣

Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”

With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…

boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?

March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.

July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”

If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.

Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.

Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

*email from Amazon*

Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE

Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE

Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE

We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE

Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.