@neiltyson

Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.

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@_NinJar

1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*

@flashember

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

@Tmoney68

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.

@Shen_the_Bird

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you

@thedad

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

@dafloydsta

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

@FlyJ_

I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.