You’re the she to my nanigans.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
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1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
Who called the cops
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.