Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
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OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.