Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
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GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation