Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
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Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
inventing words: clothing
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.