Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
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animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!