@jeffswarens

Anyone who uses the phrase “easy as taking candy from a baby” has never tried taking candy from a baby.

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@Ygrene

“Hey nerd, who brings a friggin book to a bar?”

*my eyes narrow as I close my worn copy of Advanced Techniques for Winning Barroom Brawls*

@GawdOffalTweets

just when I started to freak out I noticed the ghost that haunts my ensuite had written “don’t panic, you ate beets last night” with lipstick on the mirror and I am so grateful to have such a good friend

@bartandsoul

Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy

Wife: You’re supposed to cook it

@CruisinSoozan

When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.

@Andrea__B__

The most important thing in life is to be yourself, unless you can be Batman…always go with Batman

@HomeWithPeanut

Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!

Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!

Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]

@Monathais

Husband and wife near wishing well. Suddenly wife slips and fell in the well. Terrified husband: Noooooooooo…I can’t believe it’s working!

@peachesanscream

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

@realPaulMay

In D.C. a friend of mine was reading the “The Exorcist “. He felt it was the most evil book he’d ever read. So evil he couldn’t finish it. One weekend he threw the book into Chesapeake Bay. I went 2 a bookstore. Bought another copy. Ran it under water. Put it in his desk draw.