Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
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*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.