Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.

I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back

Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.

*lint rolls you awake*

[2 men standing in an empty basement together]

Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”

…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”

history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.

road rage

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.

Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.

A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that

another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

ME: They call me Mr Universe

DATE: You workout?

ME: I’m constantly expanding

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE