Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
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The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
i love muttering “none of my business” as i delete an email that is definitely my business
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough