Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
You Might Also Like
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
I wanna be friends with this person
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
My dryer is celebrating lint.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
My dress code is business-casualty.
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am