Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.

Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Me: Isn’t it fun?

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

who wants to go expliring

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”

Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”

6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber

Me: Why are you —

8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!

6YO: I already told her, it’s over

Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape

I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a physiologist.

Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!

I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.

Bonfire is French for “good fire.”

My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.

Him: Grew peas?

Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.