Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead

Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

[crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*

DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.

Nolege is power biches!

Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?

Me: this conversation.

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.

Hit me in the face with a bird

I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth

TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth

[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”

HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?

ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.

If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.

Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up

Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…

MUST BE FREE!

“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.

I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.

Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30

Gucci: What about $200?

Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine

checking out some reviews of my local library

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.