Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.

I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.

My spirit animal is fried chicken

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

mom: please, please just go play with the other children

christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed

One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.

The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning

The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?

Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist

Doctor: That’s me

Me: but you’re an adult

Doctor: and a child psychologist

Me: how

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.

Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap

Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.

Wife: sum.

Me: human parts; four letters.

Wife: body.

Me: upon a time; four letters.

Wife: once.

Me: to pay; four letters.

Wife: toll.

Me: 90’s slang; three letters.

Wife: duh.

Me: refer to myself; two letters.

Wife: me.

*pronounces woah like Noah*

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.

As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.

ME: So you’re into football?

DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.

ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.

HER: I need to see other people.

Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.