Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
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Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
“i am a sweet baby”
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Got him!
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.