Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
You Might Also Like
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.