anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
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I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
You saw nothing. I am ham.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”