Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[playing flight simulator]

this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano

Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.

BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.

LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit

The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”

Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now

me: can you empty the dishwasher please

9: what? What do you mean?

me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?

Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.

ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?

scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird

egyptian:

scribe: 2 birds total

egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out

Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.

oh u like history? name everything that happened

getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”

[meeting girlfriend’s dad]

Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Him: Dr, I have a PhD

Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips

It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.

Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”

Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*

I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.

at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.

[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?

Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*

My kids: what have you done?!

[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*

“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”

TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.