anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
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[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
do what now??
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.