If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
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[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son