Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
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contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
road rage
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Go to drunk, you’re bed.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.