Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
You Might Also Like
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Limited budget
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds