Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.

Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.

I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.

Dimsummernight’s dream

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

Traveler’s camo

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”

You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.

Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

me to my student: go get your mom

my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

doctor: what seems to be the problem

me: it seems like u should be telling me