Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
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My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Personal question. #JustSaying
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
How I’d get arrested…
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime