Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
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I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
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“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
found this cool rock hiking today
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Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
A wise man once said nothing.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.