ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
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Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
my dad has had enough
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it
I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter
She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes
Then I started to hear furniture moving
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Children of the corn 🌽
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”