ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
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Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Nigella has gone too far this time.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Alexa; make it look like an accident
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.