Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.

Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.

anyone else like Italian cereal

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine

Jepfpf: no I haven’t

Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

him: I got a new tattoo

me: what is it

him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work

me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt

him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat

and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad

Nobody:

Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good

having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.

they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had

She puts the hot in psychotic

If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.

Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?

Me: *takes the ducky* Why?

4: I dropped it in the toilet.

BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell

Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?