Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.

As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’

GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing

ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me

GUY: DAMMIT

The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.

Twitter fine art

Sucks when good bands have dumb names.

“What are you listening to?”

“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”

“…”

If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.

My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’

SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.

I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.

My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!

My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”

Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…

DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!

Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.

*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?

Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.

Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.