Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
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FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!