Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
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Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
no one ever comes back
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Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long