Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
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Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
What my back needs
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I can’t stop watching this.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro