Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth

Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.

Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?

~ Me as a therapist

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-

Robin: you LIKE him!

Batman: omg shut up lol I do not

Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?

Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.

Friends: C’mon, just have one….

Me: Ok, maybe just one.

[ three hours later at the club ]

Me:

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.

God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.

Mobster: we need to set up a shell company

Lobster: let me handle this, boss

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

Just show up everyday and be consistent.

Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context