Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.

People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.

I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.

United Steaks of America

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest

me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x

pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here

me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands

The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*

Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.

Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?

Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.

After: sit down.

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask

The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

Them: Are you Jewish?

Me: Yup.

Them: And you’re from Toronto?

Me: Yup.

Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.

Me: Not every Jew knows each other.

Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?

Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.

Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.

I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.

People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing