Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking

are there any atheist mantises?

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha

Me: I lost 3 pounds!

Domino’s: I found them for you.

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

Romeo: I lost my cow

Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?

I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time

1.

On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

[first day in the Coast Guard]

Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!

Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.

There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.

I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.

Were they really expecting gold or something?

frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

*lint rolls you awake*

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂

Hey! This isn’t my car!