Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
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Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken