Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
You Might Also Like
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it
My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’tMe: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Does beer think about me too?
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.