Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
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My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..