Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
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date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
…..pretty much.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.