Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
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one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.