Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
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We went together like toothpaste and orange juice
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
The French cow says MEUX…
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
When you let grandma cat sit
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.