Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

A chilling warning for the old people in my village.

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )

Me: [to myself] ok, act cool

Crush: nice weather today

Me: thanks

the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy

You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

And now…a ‘joke’.

“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”

“What seems to be the problem, madam?”

“It’s ROAR in the middle”

“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”

*coughs*

Oh, you like Thanksgiving?

Name 3 pilgrims.

Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!

I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.

Friend: You need help?

Me: I need to write a couple letters.

Friend: OK

Me: Not those.

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.

I went from rags to one rag.

Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.