anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
You Might Also Like
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach