Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
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According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
My biological clock is wheezing.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.