Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
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me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
This is what makes twitter great
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly