Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?

Lou Bega: *deep breath*

Rules for rap battling Eminem:

1. Do not let Eminem go first.

2. Do not let Eminem go second.

Tobacco causes Cancer

Alcohol causes Dancer

demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato

My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.

School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”

I am embarrassed for myself.

3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall

Me: oh dear god

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds

Me: I was refilling my vape

Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that

No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

“How much to hire a church singing group?”

“You mean a choir?”

“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”

6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?

Me:

6:

Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth

I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

Money is the root of all wealth

DATE: What’s your favourite movie?

ME: Kill Bill

DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated

ME [long pause] Killiam William

My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.