Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
You Might Also Like
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Breaking news:
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
The news
