Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
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I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender