Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
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Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh