Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
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I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.