Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
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[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting
How dramatic are you?
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us