anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
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Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?Me: Sure.
11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
A leaf blower, but for people.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok