Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Catering service
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
