Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

Mantra at the gym:

When the zombies come, cardio will matter.

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.

Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?

Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.

is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*

Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.

Me: Harry Potter.

Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.

Me: then why does it have witches?

Wife:

Me: and spells.

Wife:

Me: and flying broomsticks.

Wife: pick another movie.

Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”

A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.

Yeah….I don’t know either.

Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?

Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”

Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?

Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER

Prisoner: damn that’s cold

Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.

Elephant: I can hear you, you know.

If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.

An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.

Your soulmate is too smart to date you

road rage

I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.

I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!

(Sigh)

I just don’t know what to keep it in….