Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
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The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight