Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

mumsnet is amazing

A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.

Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”

All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.

Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.

You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.

In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.

“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”

And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..

Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”

5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature

5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes