Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.

*buys everyone a drink*

Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.

“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”

Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die

The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

me: that guy is half drunk

Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.

ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here

Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!

I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.

Get lost in the experience, not the park.

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor

My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”

doctor: and are u sexually active

puppet: he is not

doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth

me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not

ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god

Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…

With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.