anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
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I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Just checked my bank account. Looks like everyone’s getting a hug for Christmas.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge