Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!

Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows

A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:

“Bit windy”

ME: i honestly only had one drink

WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said

ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real

A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?

Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.

“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows

My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.

Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.

*romantically grabs husband’s face*

I will NEVER stop eating your fries.

what is cheese if not milk persevering

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨

My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

Fabio hasn’t aged a day

“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon

I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough

My brain: what if the next tweet is The One

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner