anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
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Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.