Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Eating canned soup]

OMG I love sodium.

Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Wedding $600,000,000
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”

*Now with 50 percent less fat*

Me: ooooh *buys two*

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

Tell me you get it…🤣

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.

wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is

Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.

Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.

My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.

Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.

Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.

Guess we’re both living the dream

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time

I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.